I picked up smoking again and it’s because I know he doesn’t like it.

I drank until I forgot and it’s because I just don’t want to think about him.

I got another tattoo because it’s something he would never be a part of.

I kissed a stranger because it made him feel less important.

I’m doing a lot of things that are of an old me and it’s because I can’t control what’s happening. I don’t want to feel anything real. I don’t want to be this person, waiting for his call.

A part of me wishes I’d never changed everything between us. I don’t know if he’s worth the mess inside my head and I just want out.

I saw a boy today I haven’t spent time with in years. He’s the boy I once shared my college bed with. He’s the boy who’d trace the lines of the moon tattooed on my wrist. He’s the boy who’d steal looks at me in rearview mirrors. He’s someone I have not been able to let go of. He lives with his girlfriend of over a year now. She’s the type of girl I’ll never be—bubbly, easygoing, flirty. But even after all this time has passed, we don’t feel like strangers. Through every tense word shared, the things we will always know about each other peek out. He will always be my perfect moment.

I landed a full-time job today. Technically, I landed two. But I accepted one and it’s at a magazine and it’s a wonderful starting salary with benefits and I’ll probably get to travel soon. I’ve never felt so incredibly blessed. My life changed today and I’m so ready to embrace every moment.

You hold my hand and I think of you. You like her and I think of you. You leave the state and I think of you. I see your sister and I think of you. I smoke a cigarette and I think of you. You send me fireworks and I think of you. Your favorite band plays at the club and I think of you. I come home — and I think only of you.

But you’re far away and probably don’t think of me at all.

ianstagram:

turnipfritters:

you can beat up a skeleton and steal their arms to use as a weapon in the new zelda

you can do it in real life if you’re not a fucking coward

(via mymixeddtape)

I’m 22 today. It’s a weird age. It’s the age of nothing. It’s just a reminder that you’re no longer the youth of 21 but you’re not even remotely close to being a full-fledged adult. It’s limbo.

My life right now is strange but exciting. I can feel change stirring nearby, like something is headed my way very soon. As of right now, I’ve been out of the shelter that is college for eight months. I work two jobs in my field but I’m still holding out for some security. I work nearly 50 hours a week — and I’m about to add more —but giving up weekends is worth paying my own living expenses and still having money left over for drinks. I’ve said goodbye to 10 of my dearest friends who’ve had to move away. I still haven’t met anyone worth getting romantic with. I no longer have an apartment near campus and I’ve been living alone for three months now.

My life is nothing like it was last fall but I’m having a damn good time navigating every little bit of it. Happy birthday to me.